"Shut Up & Do Some Laundry" Episode 10: Perspective on Avoiding a Break Up

Questions range from what emotion Brian and Stacey would permanently get rid of, things that they would want the other to do more of and if they ever thought of leaving each other. 

The Broken Tiles Review: Game of Thrones "House of the Dragon" 

Musical Guests : A-Ha / Mac Miller & Post Malone 

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Transcript

Brian Upton: 0:05

All right.

Stacey Upton: 0:08

Welcome

Brian Upton: 0:11

wow this is hichy to the broken

Stacey Upton: 0:13

tiles podcast, the crane and Stacey.

Brian Upton: 0:22

Technical difficulties

Stacey Upton: 0:25

I think we've worked through it

Brian Upton: 0:29

this one happens we don't podcast for two weeks. We're out of practice all of a sudden. And we've got a burgeoning issue with our leads on because somebody's coming to town.

Stacey Upton: 0:40

Yeah, we're gonna have to handle this

Brian Upton: 0:43

to tighten shit up. Absolutely. Stick Figure Santa Cruz catalyst October 5 Wednesday night.

Stacey Upton: 0:54

Here a little excited.

Brian Upton: 0:55

I have my alarm set for tomorrow at 10am presale goes on.

Stacey Upton: 0:59

Oh gosh. week night concert. Can we handle it?

Brian Upton: 1:03

I need a sip of water.

Stacey Upton: 1:04

Don't drink that.

Brian Upton: 1:05

Why?

Stacey Upton: 1:06

Because I have my Invisalign soaking and

Brian Upton: 1:08

oh, your teeth are soaking in water. I'm sorry, my fault. I was gonna take a sip of that fresh glass of water, but I realize your teeth are in it.

Stacey Upton: 1:16

It's not my teeth, my Invisalign.

Brian Upton: 1:19

You take your teeth out and put them in water.

Stacey Upton: 1:22

It's probably what it looks like.

Brian Upton: 1:25

I think we have a depressed dog.

Stacey Upton: 1:27

She's so sad at the moment. We do not have a sofa. Because we gave hours away as we are expecting a new underwrite arrive tomorrow. And the dog is having a problem. Yeah, that's her spot. Yeah, well, what was really funny is when she came in from her walk that I just gave her what I like to do if if she has a ball laying on the front, green the lawn. As we come home, I unleashed her. And she runs and gets her ball and sprints all the way back into the house with the ball. And she immediately leapt for the couch and it was there and

Brian Upton: 2:10

she bit shit.

Stacey Upton: 2:11

She totally did. And she just looks very confused and sad.

Brian Upton: 2:16

I feel like right now there's this so far, this first two minutes and 22 seconds has been understandably tense. Awkward. Something's different.

Stacey Upton: 2:30

Why?

Brian Upton: 2:31

You know why?

Stacey Upton: 2:32

I don't know why.

Brian Upton: 2:33

It's tense, awkward and weird. Because you went speed dating last week.

Stacey Upton: 2:37

I knew you were going to bring this up.

Brian Upton: 2:39

But I think it's well within my right, as a husband, a dedicated, loyal husband of 32 years that I maybe I'm a little bit discombobulated with the fact that you went speed dating on Saturday night. I'll give you the floor.

Stacey Upton: 2:55

I don't think you're being quite.

Brian Upton: 3:00

I'd like to treat the witnesses hostile.

Stacey Upton: 3:04

Okay, so let's say what really happened. My very good friend went speeddating

Brian Upton: 3:10

we're running out of time to stay on time for the podcast. I think we just need to leave

Stacey Upton: 3:14

and she had to single friends that were going to go with her and they didn't go and I I wanted to be able to be there for her. I wanted her to have the experience because it was the first time in a very long time

Brian Upton: 3:31

Are you done?

Stacey Upton: 3:33

I'm done.

Brian Upton: 3:34

I only have one question before we move on to the next part of this thing. It's a simple it's actually it's it's two questions and I don't want to get crazy with this. I just don't I want you to respect the courtroom. The judge the jury how many numbers did your friend get after the speed dating event? Just answer the question zero through 1 million

Stacey Upton: 3:57

but she got one

Brian Upton: 3:57

just please answer the question

Stacey Upton: 3:58

that one because it was given

Brian Upton: 4:01

no wait a minute that no that she the day she walked out

Stacey Upton: 4:05

stop trying to obfuscate what the truth is

Brian Upton: 4:09

this is like the going back to our third episode. This is like Johnny Depp on the stand right? You walked out of that bar with a number and she did not

Stacey Upton: 4:19

but it ended up in her hands

Brian Upton: 4:28

tense show

Stacey Upton: 4:31

so we're gonna play our game.

Brian Upton: 4:33

I do want to go over no go after after a little controversy after our last episode. Controversy time banned in one city, but go ahead. Just ask the question.

Stacey Upton: 4:44

I think I know where that's going. So our first question of the night comes from our Let's get closer game by intelligent chains jumping on it early. Isn't that what that music is supposed to tell me to do?

Brian Upton: 4:58

It's just a question with transition. was for questions. Okay, I thought you were doing the full sponsor commercial.

Stacey Upton: 5:03

What if somebody has never listened to any of our episodes, and this was the first one they listened to, oh, gotta explain what we're doing. We read questions from this question game that's made by intelligent change, who is our sponsor? And we will talk more about that later.

Brian Upton: 5:21

That's podcast 101. Tell him what we're doing.

Stacey Upton: 5:24

So the first level of this game is called close. And that's what this question is from. It's been a while. Are you ready? What do you wish? I would do more of?

Brian Upton: 5:53

Are we going? Can't even remember now where are we going broad spectrum or just answering the question then bringing it broader? As far as

Stacey Upton: 6:01

the kind of gone back and forth?

Brian Upton: 6:05

Let's get to answering the question. What do I wish you would do? More of? You might have thrown out a little bit of a stumper here. Do you have what do you do? Let's do what we usually do default here. Do you have one that's coming to your mind?

Stacey Upton: 6:25

Well, it's not very deep. The first thing that came to my mind, I'm almost embarrassed

Brian Upton: 6:32

to say for you or me.

Stacey Upton: 6:35

I would like you to do more laundry. Oh, that's that's the first thing that came to my mind. I could come up with something else. But this is a family show. So I can't say I do laundry

Brian Upton: 6:48

almost every day. Almost let that one get away with that was a good one. That's our other podcast. That's after midnight podcast. The answer to the question. Yeah, I do laundry almost every day.

Stacey Upton: 7:01

Well, it's not always everybody's laundry. Because I do a lot of laundry on the weekends.

Brian Upton: 7:07

Everybody who's here,

Stacey Upton: 7:10

you and I,

Brian Upton: 7:12

I just want to kind of break this down a little bit. I wear a pair of jeans. I wear a gray shirt. I wear the same underwear usually two days in a row. Oh, honey, I flip them up inside out. Sometimes. But boots, socks, sometimes a hat. And then everyone's gonna throw a hoodie on. In about every two days. I'll throw that into the laundry almost every day, depending on how I'm working. So I'm doing laundry every day.

Stacey Upton: 7:39

Yeah, you're washing your clothes every day. That's right.

Brian Upton: 7:43

So do more laundry.

Stacey Upton: 7:46

That was just the first thing that came to know.

Brian Upton: 7:48

It's all right. I mean, I think that's kind of the point of it. Is that you? You kind of throw it right out there. And I don't know why. I think a lot of times I'm a lot better at the questions that cut a little bit deeper than, you know, what do I wish you would do more of?

Stacey Upton: 8:08

This could be this could be deeper, I gave a non deep answer. If I were to, oh, I have I have a more deep answer. Keep going? Because I'm stuck. Okay. What do I wish you would do more of? I think it would be listening as opposed to immediately problem solving.

Brian Upton: 8:31

Yeah, we've gone over that a little bit. Not in this question, or maybe not even in this podcast. But I think that is a habit of mine, which is immediately trying to find. And it does have its moments where there's value. I needed it last night. Yeah. And because the time was of the essence, yeah, to. But what you're saying is in the context of I think sometimes the you and I come to a head where and this is one where we've talked about it also is that I think about things a lot. I'm kind of have little cue cards in my head ready for all conversations. So if something comes up in I'm not asking you being asked to listen, I'm actually engaged in the conversation. I think sometimes I might have it on the tip of my head as far as like you said, maybe maybe an answer for it, or an answer I fall into even in a global conversation, like my perspective on something. So you're saying is they come in trying to you say the word solve the problem, or is it just me giving an opinion?

Stacey Upton: 9:47

Well, I think it could be either or so. I think what I'm getting at is more listening and less talking. Maybe that's a better way to say

Brian Upton: 9:56

and I think that's interesting because I think on A lot of levels. I'm better at listening in, like, casual relationships than I am in my more intimate relationships.

Stacey Upton: 10:12

Yeah. But I have to say, I think sometimes I assume you're not listening. And you actually are. Sometimes you are listening when you're engaged in something different. And that surprises me.

Brian Upton: 10:27

Right. And I also, it's probably not even a mantle that I need to carry. But for some reason in my family dynamic, it was as the court jester when I was younger, and I think there's that I was the antidote for the seven minute lol in a conversation, they'll are in your family. Yeah. And so but it's a chore. It's not necessarily fun. And so maybe that's, that's a part of it, where

Stacey Upton: 10:56

that really is helpful to me. And I am surprised I hadn't thought about that. But that absolutely makes sense.

Brian Upton: 11:04

I think if somebody's confident, confidently talking to me and confident in their position, and are engaged in the conversation, I think I'll make as much room for them as need be like this podcast is probably a perfect example, is that you're bringing it you are talking to me face to face, eye to eye, and there's anticipated pauses where you might want to continue or not. And maybe the struggle is in the real world. Talking around a corner, talking from a shower to somebody that's out there. There could be some 30 We've used the word before steamrolling,

Stacey Upton: 11:42

you know, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Why do you think this is a good question for partners? To ask of each other.

Brian Upton: 11:56

But I think we're finding out right now, it's that depending on how honest you want to be about it, it can maybe take some air out of something that would go unsaid.

Stacey Upton: 12:06

Yeah, I would agree. I think,

Brian Upton: 12:08

you know, that could lead to if you feel that way, if you feel like somebody's not listening to you, and they're problem solving you instead of listening to you, then that could eventually build up into a pretty high level of tension.

Stacey Upton: 12:28

It might Yeah, yeah. What what answer do you have?

Brian Upton: 12:34

We've brushed on it probably before, I guess, I'm evolving into the answer being. I think the only thing that I think that's left for me to kind of want you to see you doing more of is sort of what I've seen you doing, I think we've alluded to it through work and life and all those things is confidently sort of just putting yourself forward. More so you know, what, it's almost, it's almost the polar opposite of what we're talking about here, which is, in maybe this is where we'll find a balance in our relationship is less, less kind of observing, and more engaging. Yeah, you sit in a room a lot of times or even in our relationship, and you do a lot of quiet observing. And there's obviously a lot more going on in there. And it's easier out then in and I think a little bit we're sort of stacking onto each other's question there a little bit, but I think the the answer would be a little bit more engaging than observing.

Stacey Upton: 13:53

I can see why you would say that, I think it what that brings to mind for me is I am an introvert and I would say you are more of an extrovert and so we have different ways of being in the world. But I have over time become more extroverted. It just depends on the situation the place the where is my level of confidence in whatever the conversation is that kind of thing. But yeah, I can see your point.

Brian Upton: 14:30

I'm gonna write it down. So stop talking and do laundry.

Stacey Upton: 14:36

Oh, boy, is that

Brian Upton: 14:37

the only two the last podcast was controversial. We had it as I talked to before the first question. It was banned and bout 200 square foot area of Watertown, New York.

Stacey Upton: 15:03

Based on the band, the name of the band

Brian Upton: 15:08

that we hosted a ninja sex party, apparently, yeah,

Stacey Upton: 15:11

that's unfortunate because it was a good episode. And it had nothing to do with the ninja sex party. But my mom didn't listen to it. No, because she didn't want the name of that to show up on her phone anywhere.

Brian Upton: 15:26

So as soon as the heat dies down on it, I think I'll sweet name it episode eight or nine or whatever it was, and you can listen to this. You can listen to it, then I'll rename it back to the ninja sex party. Well, is this episode 10?

Stacey Upton: 15:41

I don't really know.

Brian Upton: 15:42

I think it's episode 10.

Stacey Upton: 15:44

That sounds about right. Could be

Brian Upton: 15:45

wrong. Alright, bring the question. Okay.

Stacey Upton: 15:50

What? Actually, I kind of feel like maybe we've had this question before, but I didn't mark it. So let me know if you've heard this one before. What is your dream date for us to have together?

Brian Upton: 16:11

I think that question that was close to that was something we'd want to do together that we haven't done before. And that one was the salsa dancing, which we I'll pause here because I do think I probably have an answer for the other one is the salsa dancing question. As I recollect the humor in that story was that three times we signed up for salsa dancing, and three times we have not done it. Now between the last podcast and this one. We signed up for yet again. Western swing.

Stacey Upton: 16:47

Actually, it was night club two step night club, two

Brian Upton: 16:51

step at the Capitol rec center. And Monday night came what we do,

Stacey Upton: 16:55

we did not go suck. Well, there was a reason for that. We were utterly exhausted. Because why? What did we do over? Oh, yeah,

Brian Upton: 17:07

that's right. Capitol art and Wine Festival. We had the booth down there. We did 4am setup worked at the whole weekend. You were sort of runner for the whole weekend. I stood up for two days. And I think by the time Sunday night came around into Monday, we were been Monday night, we were physically mentally broken. We were very wiped out. And we decided to bump it to another class.

Stacey Upton: 17:29

Yes. So towards the end of October, we will be doing west coast swing.

Brian Upton: 17:35

All right. So the dream date, the dream date, the dream date feels like it would be qualify it is the date a singular event? Or could it be I'm gonna take you on a date, that's more of that they can't be like a vacation or anything. It's gotta be a date,

Stacey Upton: 17:54

it says date.

Brian Upton: 18:00

How about by this a fun one. Because, again, it's another little Stickler in your brain of something that until presented, we've had a lot of great dates that I look back on were could qualify, in hindsight, that we might not even know going in would have been a dream date, I think I'm going to give the dream date would be something that is not so isolated. The dream date is somewhere where there is water, and it's at a perfect time sunset. And the pace of the service in the restaurant would be matching the intention of the date. We've had, we've had a couple of days. And so I'm not making up a new date, but that date that platform for it. Because those things have to meet, the service has to meet. The food has to meet the timing and the pace of the meal. And that has to meet the element of the perfect weather. The sun going down over water, for me is the dream date.

Stacey Upton: 19:07

That sounds great. That I think I may our dream date would be a sunset picnic. Looking out over the Eiffel Tower.

Brian Upton: 19:26

That's pretty good. That was the lights come up over Paris.

Stacey Upton: 19:29

Yeah. Can we do that someday?

Brian Upton: 19:31

Is that even possible? I don't know. Is there a spot to sit?

Stacey Upton: 19:35

I imagine there might be

Brian Upton: 19:36

has to be right. You might have to get outside the city a little bit. Not familiar enough, but you'd have to get outside the city. So at a restaurant or just a picnic,

Stacey Upton: 19:46

you said picnic on the ground. On a blanket picnic

Brian Upton: 19:50

in Paris at sunset watching the sun go down, read

Stacey Upton: 19:54

the Eiffel Tower, a baguette and some French wine. And I don't know what else

Brian Upton: 19:58

and then let the Sound come up? Yeah. I mean, the the the lights come on lights

Stacey Upton: 20:04

come Yeah,

Brian Upton: 20:05

that's actually pretty good.

Stacey Upton: 20:06

That'd be kind of fun, I think. Yeah. So why is that important? What's that is question? Why would it be important for people to

Brian Upton: 20:18

quarantine music in the background while we do this? Give me a second. Just Just go with it. Oh, that's that's a, this'll be a quick transition. That's an obvious one because I think a fundamental of you and I, to a certain extent, and we drift away from it is that I think we started early on talking about the concept of very dangerous to ever stop dating. Yeah, when you're married, it's it's part of a, I don't give out a ton of marriage advice, because I think it's sort of transitional and difficult to do. But that seems like a bulletproof one I tried to give to most of my friends that if if the conversation drifts there is it's best to sort of stay in that on your game focus dating mode. Because that kind of that's what got you there. And that's what engaged you with somebody. And I think when you stop thinking that way, you have a chance of slipping away.

Stacey Upton: 21:17

Yeah, I like that. And what I'll add is there's actually research that shows that couples that have new experiences together, are more likely to stay together. So having new experiences creates a sense of novelty and I think very often human beings if if we allow ourselves to we can get stuck in a rut, but having those new experiences or new dates and it doesn't have to be anything it doesn't have to be Paris, you could have a picnic, a sunset picnic anywhere and it would be fun. somewhere new, something you haven't done before. Right? Those are the things that kind of keep things going along create more sparks

Brian Upton: 22:03

Yeah. House of the dragon, Game of Thrones house of the Dragon tells the story of an internal succession war within House Targaryen at the height of its power ascent, 107, two years before the birth of denarius Targaryen and we're going to do our review. Pretty dramatic. Right? Right. Violence,

Stacey Upton: 22:31

lots of sex, nudity. All of Brian's favorite things?

Brian Upton: 22:37

Yeah. When those things pop up in the theater, and there's sometimes it's like a conical claimer. The disclaimer, the rating and it's a cornucopia of violence, Gore, sex. All those ones. I just know it's going to be a great movie. What's your reveal?

Stacey Upton: 22:51

It's been really enjoyable. It is. Like the beginning of Game of Thrones. Before it. I don't know. I felt like I got a little out of control. The first series and so this feels like it's sort of true to what that first series started as. And it's enjoyable. This last episode that we watched I don't know which number Episode Four maybe

Brian Upton: 23:21

four. Incest episode.

Stacey Upton: 23:25

Yeah, it was a little disturbing to me.

Brian Upton: 23:29

It's been it's a very hot topic this week as far as everybody processing what they

Stacey Upton: 23:35

saw really hot topic where for the

Brian Upton: 23:39

exact same thing we talked about everywhere trending, trending topic as far as you know, what was the director's vision on that we don't need to give much away but it's Google that for yourself. But it's

Stacey Upton: 23:50

we had to look up what the vision was to help us understand it did help understand the episode a little more a little bit. Yeah, but I still I struggled with it, but I'm not going to give anything away. Right.

Brian Upton: 24:02

There's some stunning stuff in there. I think it's the Molly Alcock is is Renee Hara. ordinaria

Stacey Upton: 24:09

manera. I don't have it. I can't

Brian Upton: 24:11

read the main character. And then Doctor Who is Damon Targaryen He's so good. Yeah, Will Smith. Right. Matt Smith.

Stacey Upton: 24:19

Will Smith. Like that.

Brian Upton: 24:21

Don't think that's Matt Smith. I'm gonna go right now. I'm giving it a lot of credit that it's going in the right direction. Somebody give it in. We may circle around tip I'm gonna give it a eight two. Because I am enjoying it.

Stacey Upton: 24:39

I'm gonna say a seven nine. I'm enjoying it but man the violence is way over the top for me.

Brian Upton: 24:49

That's like a that's like the Dave Portnoy pizza reviews is a big difference between seven nine and eight one, you know, and then you kind of just came under it a little bit.

Stacey Upton: 25:01

Well, it's good. But I close my eyes a lot. I do

Brian Upton: 25:08

think I figured out why. Pan MIT gone out of business.

PanAm: 25:14

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Brian Upton: 26:04

I just thought it was for financial disclosure. What happened?

Unknown: 26:07

Top that TWA.

Brian Upton: 26:09

I thought that was funny. I ran across

Stacey Upton: 26:11

Oh my gosh.

Brian Upton: 26:14

All right, what do we got now?

Stacey Upton: 26:22

We're on the red,

Brian Upton: 26:23

that's fine. I got a question behind it.

Stacey Upton: 26:25

Okay, closest, I actually chose to because I was trying to decide which one? This is an interesting question. Was there ever a time you considered ending our relationship? Why And What made you change your mind?

Brian Upton: 26:49

know, for me, ending our relationship. If there was ever even a outside edge of it, and I don't think I could ever have gone there. It might have been during the 2000 sort of one collapse when everything was kind of happening with the business. And I think I might have felt a great sense of it might have had a lingering thought that you might be better without me then with what I was presenting. And so I don't. But I'm thinking back 20 years now. And I don't think I would have gotten to that point of, of thinking that through past that first, like sort of like humiliating thought of like, you know, this whole thing might be better without me. And I don't know if I was thinking of you and us or all of it or what it was, but that's as close as I would get. But I think 32 years it was sort of impenetrable for me. Playing know, that might not be the case for you?

Stacey Upton: 28:07

Well, first of all, I just want to say I remember that particular time. And I I don't think you ever said those words to me. But I felt that that's what you're feeling. Right. I mean, it was visceral. That was a hard time. But I wasn't contemplating that. But my answer to the question, I hesitate to say but very early on in our marriage when I was pregnant with Bailey. And we talked about this not very long ago, we had a fight about something and I don't remember what it was about. And you were at your friend's house. And I could hear people talking women talking in the background. And you didn't come home that evening. And I don't remember why. But I remember thinking, well, this, this is not okay. This, this just is not okay. But you know, I think about it now. I don't it clearly wasn't that big of a deal. I don't remember what the fight was about. I don't remember what our disagreement was.

Brian Upton: 29:18

I think there were more nights than that than you even that's one night. That but I think there was during that that breakers phase. We did speak about this on one thing, one episode. And we also spoke about it in a little more depth than the other one, as far as you know, from 16 1718, up through 2324. There was there was many nights where I wasn't able to make it home after drinking. Yeah, that's true. I mean, that's not that was one

Stacey Upton: 29:49

night in particular that I remember. So it was probably a culmination of, you know, several nights like that. But I also I do remember thinking I was pregnant with our second child. And I thought I can't make this decision right now. I just, I just can't do this. Right. So that's

Brian Upton: 30:10

two different entire timeframes. So you you're talking for years after Taylor. Yeah, I

Stacey Upton: 30:17

remember we were I was to house in a new, a new Valda street. That's when I was on the phone with you that night.

Brian Upton: 30:24

Yeah, that's there might be a little bit of a disconnect there, because I wasn't even working at the breakers at that point.

Stacey Upton: 30:30

Well, so this was after that you were with Rex? That's when you were working with Rex? Maybe? I can't remember. Yeah. I remember being in that house. Yeah. And that makes sending. It makes a laundry room having that conversation. Like, I can't, I just, it was too much. I couldn't, couldn't quite deal.

Brian Upton: 30:51

The Rex one was interesting, because that was a different pivot. My first one was sort of college, frolicking bartending, not letting go of the sort of collegiate days at the breakers. And then the next phase was pause and explain what the breakers was just a resort apartment complex in Denver, where I ran the health club and was a bartender. And then the next one, where it didn't help me any was in the business with my partner Rex. We had at 25 years old, 26 years old. What's the timeframes right there? Yeah, an inordinate amount of success early in business. And we're in wining and dining clients, and traveling to trade shows and doing all of that. So it was a you know, for me that time was a makes a little more sense to me. Now I look back on it. With the wisdom of 54. Looking back at a 23 and 24 year old, looking at our own 23 and 24 year olds, it's a little bit more understandable than it was at 35. If that makes sense. I think I'd beat myself up a little bit more 30 over 23 than I do at 54 over 23, if that makes sense.

Stacey Upton: 32:07

Yeah. And I think that's what is really helpful about this question in the sense that, you know, we can look back and think about the different things that we've gone through, and how we managed to stay together through really hard times and not not staying together with a shell of a marriage. Like we actually worked through a lot of this stuff, right. And it's important to look back and think about how far we've come? Oh, there's no

Brian Upton: 32:39

doubt about it. And were those that's what I really enjoyed this question, because those are those little fissures and cracks and thin ice that the the timeline sort of separates? And that would have been it. Yeah, our story together would have been over at 26. With two kids at that point, it means there's a lot of things that go into that it means no, Ainslie, right? You know, not you can there's no putting pressure on a past conversation. But those sliding doors of, you know, decisions made unmade perceptions, bad decisions, you know,

Stacey Upton: 33:22

youthfulness we were young, we were doing this very young, as young

Brian Upton: 33:26

as it can get. But it is interesting that that would have been at a timeframe where if you fracture it 567 years, it's an interesting question to kind of propose the consequence of future events. For instance, if that broke, we wouldn't be going to Denver this weekend to watch Ainsley in a play. That's true. It's weird, isn't it?

Stacey Upton: 33:51

That is weird. I like that sliding doors, concept that that you brought in there because you know, the choices we make, the actions we take the things that we say it matters. And even if the choice is wrong, it's it's maybe you've done something that you could have done. If you could have made a different choice that might have been better. What happens next? Is, is important.

Brian Upton: 34:25

It is in the, for me, I look back on it, and in a lot of ways, it just would have been I knew you from 21 And at that point, that crux would have been 26 ish. And if it would have ended right there, that would have been the story of our life. It would have been two kids together, divorced and you would have met somebody else I would have met somebody else theoretically kind of life would have gone on. We would have co parented might have been in Ever, I might have been in New York, whatever, who knows how that whole good part goes down. But if you want to play the fantasy game, that part creates the fissure of these new existences. And all of these decisions would have been made before our brains were formed. Wow. Because there's two ways to look at that. That by fighting through it, by fighting through it, the adult quickly thereafter, stopped drinking, to that extent, obviously wasn't going to strip clubs on business meetings anymore. Right, separate myself from toxic people. And environments more and more. Yeah. And balanced out a little bit.

Stacey Upton: 35:48

Yeah, he grew up,

Brian Upton: 35:51

and I just would have grown up with somebody else. It's weird to think about, because that's kind of what this ends up being a super heavy question. Because I don't I don't sweat it too much. Because I think we're talking about a person that I'm very proud of each little phase of my life and who I was and how we got there. But we're talking about a person that doesn't exist anymore. And what I mean is the version of myself doesn't exist anymore, that that version of Brian because it's not even it's not practical. It's just not, it's not who I am. I'm not even who I wasn't 2021 No, you I mean, so and that part of it keeps going,

Stacey Upton: 36:35

we keep evolving. Somebody will at first that was shared with me by a good friend. And then of let's see, your good friend's father shared the same thing with me, it's a poem about how aging is like, becoming seaglass. Where all I wish to age, well, like seaglass, you know, all the rolling around and buffeting that life does just sort of softens the sharp edges. And there's much more to it than that I don't remember at all. But it's kind of like that. We we evolve we, we change. And I think we are always becoming, we're always in a state of becoming.

Brian Upton: 37:27

Yeah, I think that was an answer one of my questions like, I think it's funny how these circle around different contexts, but I think my answer was like, like, how do you see yourself or whatever it is becoming. But I do feel like we've hit on something that and I know enough, people now are listening, because that we're talking to all sorts of different circumstances. Now, people that have been married longer than us, as long as us a little bit shorter, a lot shorter, also, married, unmarried. And for those that are I think I've landed on something that is I never feel qualified talking about this. But it makes me wonder within the context, if there's some kind of algorithm or math to to making sure you're protecting yourself within a relationship, but not giving it it but also giving it enough rope, if the circumstances aren't causing you mental physical harm, or things like that. I'm not saying stay in it. But you might want to give those things a little more rope. Right? Does that make sense? What I just said?

Stacey Upton: 38:43

Yeah, I think what I heard you say is not to make rash decisions, as long as somebody isn't being abused in some way to just kind of hang in there for a little bit, and and see if you can work through it.

Brian Upton: 38:58

And the algorithm that I think would make up if I was making this argument is, it's a multiplier, meaning that drinking till I can't come home with a bunch of people in leaving your home pregnant. That is an event. And it's a we always talk about the drunkards walk on this. And the drunkards walk without going all the way into it basically says, Do not make any basically policy or or establish a behavior pattern based on extreme events high or low. And that would be one where you might have made an extreme behavioral and or fundamental decision based on an event. And in hindsight, what you have to do to protect yourself maybe this is the part where we're opening up for other people that listen to talk about is I just better not see that shit again. Yeah, that's where it gets to the point where that now you get into a multiplier event, which is the site all of our podcasts in to the Maria Bamford one which is the Take the moment. Right? This might be permanent. Yeah. And if it's permanent, then you've got to, then you have every right in the world to leave. But if it's not, I think you want to at least try to squeeze it and work it and talk it out. Yeah. Because that's what I'm getting at.

Stacey Upton: 40:16

Yeah. And I think what just hit me is because we're all human, and we make mistakes, and that's okay. It's when those mistakes become a bad habit that that reflects a dysfunction. That's what we want to avoid. Right. And sometimes it's it's hard to identify that. And yet it's worth thinking about. And digesting a little bit and trying to figure it out. Yeah. And not making those rash decisions. And it's funny, because I think that particular day, I was very upset. I was young. But I didn't make a rash decision. In that moment. Yeah. Grateful.

Brian Upton: 41:08

So my, and I think it's, for me, it was, if you really break that down, go back and do an analysis of it be very interesting to see what caused that behavior pattern. Was it insecurity? Was it fear? What was it, it's very hard to break it down that much later, 3545 to, you know, 2728 30 years later, whatever it may be? What was making me other than the balance of a forever commitment to somebody with babies at home? scares the hell out of you. And you still want to be a kid? Yeah,

Stacey Upton: 41:49

it's a lot of responsibility.

Brian Upton: 41:51

It might be that simple.

Stacey Upton: 41:52

It probably was that simple.

Brian Upton: 41:56

You want to awkward transition. I gotta like updating my list. While we're playing this music, I have to make sure I'm writing all this down. So stop talking. do laundry. And three, I did think about leaving your

Stacey Upton: 42:20

goodness. This is not a good episode. For me.

Brian Upton: 42:24

I'm having a good time. This is clay case slider. I thought the only way to come out of the intensity. And I knew this before the podcast even started. And I knew it before what the questions were I didn't know what the questions were coming. But I knew this would be the perfect song after the third question. Why don't you do our intelligent change commercial? The real one.

Stacey Upton: 43:02

Yeah, we are sponsored by intelligent change, who is a company that provides products that are really meant to help you find positive change in your life and in many different different ways. They offer this game that we've been playing. They also offer my favorite product, the first product I ever found of theirs called The Five Minute Journal. For those of you that have maybe heard of the importance and benefits of gratitude journaling, it makes it very easy. And it really you can get it done in five minutes and not all up. You don't do all five minutes at once. It breaks it up into a beginning of your day and then a check in at the end your day. So I'll just share a tip. I often would forget to do the check in at the end of the day, Brian, I don't know if you've noticed this, but if I do it in the morning, I leave it on the bed, so that when I go to bed, it's right there as a reminder for me to finish it up at night.

Brian Upton: 44:07

I thought it was there for me to read it. No,

Stacey Upton: 44:09

it's not there for you to read. Stop that

Brian Upton: 44:12

immediately.

Stacey Upton: 44:14

They also have other items where you're gonna say something No, it's

Brian Upton: 44:18

just gonna say intelligent change.com and the broken tiles 10 Is the discount

Stacey Upton: 44:22

code. Excellent. Yeah, you can use your thought I was just gonna say they have other products too. Mindfulness cards, a productivity planner. All kinds of things. I encourage you to check it out. I love their stuff.

Brian Upton: 44:36

You know I love

Stacey Upton: 44:37

this song

Brian Upton: 44:46

way I forgot I have one mystic. I'm scratching Am I doing one? I know I'm marking the card? Oh, good. Yeah, you're doing a good job on the no repeats. If you had to eliminate one emotion from your life, what would it be? Wow.

Stacey Upton: 45:14

overwhelm

Brian Upton: 45:17

the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Stacey Upton: 45:20

Yeah. I never experienced overwhelm fully, until I was a stay at home mom with three kids. And that's when I was really introduced to overwhelm. And sometimes I still experience it. Like right now transitioning to a new job.

Brian Upton: 45:47

Yeah, you're gonna you're in it.

Stacey Upton: 45:49

I am in it. Yeah, trying hard to wade my way through. But I'm in it.

Brian Upton: 45:53

It's very interesting, when you and we may have spoken about this. But it's, it's I think I'm seeing it happen. When there's a difference between looking up in sort of a business hierarchy. And they don't mean this in the, in this way at all. But when you get to a certain point of manager, you're sort of, you're now looking down. I don't mean down on people, but it just flips. You're one of and you don't, I think, look, here's the general feeling I have is that a lot of times, there's a difference sometimes in your business situation between being proactive and reactive based on your position. A lot of times as an employee, a lot of times you're reactive to what was just said at that meeting, what your marching orders are correct. And on the other side of it, you've got a week to prepare for what the marching orders are going to be to other people. Yeah, in a way.

Stacey Upton: 46:54

Yeah, that's true. And it's a lot. And I tried to I try very hard to be somebody that considers everyone's perspectives, and frame things in a way that will be taken well. And even with all that effort, it does, it doesn't happen. Yeah, fully. So but that's okay. That's, it's, it's actually, I feel like I'm learning new skills as a human being. And that's a good thing. Right? I enjoy learning experiences, the growing pains in it are challenging, but I, I actually do see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's not gonna always be like this. I'm getting my feet underneath me now.

Brian Upton: 47:38

Right. And mine's anger. And I see that quickly, because I think I just want to get to the anger overwhelm. I think the answers in this category across the board, you probably start running out of emotions at a certain point, because this question, to get rid of an emotion is qualified in your head quickly, that this emotion would serve no future purpose for me. And I don't see a purpose for anger. I don't see a purpose for being overwhelmed. I don't see a positive result for I think there's better ways to handle even conflict or danger than anger.

Stacey Upton: 48:15

I, I actually disagree with you, I understand where you're coming from, but I disagree with you. And I don't think I would have disagreed with you if I hadn't read the book by Susan David called Emotional agility are our emotions are there? Evolutionarily speaking, to clue us into things. And so it's what it's on us to recognize the emotion and try to understand where it's coming from, and why. And it's really meant to be a clue, to give us insight on to how to handle a situation.

Brian Upton: 48:56

I like that. But even in a circumstance, I think it more calculated. I'm trying to think of a circumstance where other emotions or feelings might come up. Where, like, let's say for instance, attentiveness. There's a lot of words that would be circled around even defending yourself that aren't anger. And, you know, as far as once you can identify, and I think, in even in a circumstance where, let's say, maybe somebody cuts you off, or somebody punches you in a bar, let's say you can't even avoid a fight. The last thing you need in the middle of a fight is anger. You need to be calculating, you know what your position is in that bar what they're doing, you need to be paying attention to what his anger, everything's going to take care of itself. As my point your body is going to give you basically, dopamine, it's gonna give you adrenaline to be in a fight. And I'm making an example just it's not always about fights. What I'm saying is our I think we're kind of spectacularly built as a defense mechanism when needed. They calculated anger to me that one emotion and I might need to read that book to see where she elevates anger as a positive influence, or I think I can, I might take the first part of what you said about it, understand it, learn it, find out what it is, but possibly still said no need for it?

Stacey Upton: 50:19

Well, I think what I'm hearing is you are kind of combining the emotion of anger with the action someone takes when they feel anger, no other separate thing it is.

Brian Upton: 50:32

But I would have to say, I guess you have read the book, what is the positive aspect of anger?

Stacey Upton: 50:38

Now you're putting me on the spot? I would have to say it's a clue as to Oh, something needs immediate attention.

Brian Upton: 50:47

But aren't your three steps before anger?

Stacey Upton: 50:50

Well, what if like, somebody cuts you off? You're angry because you're scared? You're angry, because you realize, oh, my gosh, this person could have run me off the road? And I would think so you're you're angry about Yeah,

Brian Upton: 51:03

and I would just make the argument, the scared instinct comes before anger, you see what, I think we'll run out of time here. And I'm not in that I'm not winning this argument or trying to, but what I'm saying is, I think I'm with you what you're saying process it, it's the same way, I would have a hard time finding a value for overwhelm. Because there's six things that lead to being overwhelmed that you could have handled before you got to that one emotion. And if that emotion wasn't in your catalogue, per the question, you'd be better at the fucking other things. That's I think what I'm getting at is if anger was gone from my, my deck, I'd be much better at perception. I'd be much better at understanding and I agree with, and that's kind of where I was,

Stacey Upton: 51:51

you know, yeah, sometimes other emotions are masked, because anger causes that for and we

Brian Upton: 51:56

might want to talk about that a little bit more like that. And maybe even I'll read or listen to that book. So we can talk about that a little bit more, but gave it to Ainsley. Well, that's awesome. You got that's more of what I was getting at, you know, is that if we're going to dump one, that would be one that I have no use for it. And I struggle with it as what I'm saying, I do struggle with that. I struggle with Greg and I talk at work a lot of the times where I can't quite understand. You know, how I'm good at certain perceptions of big things in life and terrible at small things, perceptions on small things at a stoplight, and also controlling small bursts of anger.

Stacey Upton: 52:41

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's interesting. I was reminded, we were talking about Susan David in this book, and this conversation reminded me of a quote that my good friend sent to me via text today by Susan David. Okay. Who's in charge, the thinker or the thought?

Brian Upton: 53:06

Who's in charge the thinker or the thought? And we'll save that for next time? Because I think we're almost 55 minutes but one I love the quote. And I think it's actually doesn't it doesn't that makes me think Wait, who's in charge you or me?

Stacey Upton: 53:21

That's a trick question. We'll talk more about that one later.

Brian Upton: 53:27

All right. We're gonna play the game. It seems to inordinately land on Mac Miller more than anything else. Let's have a lot of Mac Miller and then I'll need your number and we'll get out of here.

Stacey Upton: 53:41

Today five,

Brian Upton: 53:42

okay, simple one. And then this isn't not going to play monitor gotta be quick. While we're listening. How many downloads have we had?

Stacey Upton: 54:11

2300

Brian Upton: 54:13

That's pretty good guess is it? Yeah, it's wrong. But let's be doing everything I can stay in this marriage. In those two hours tell you right, it's 2300 2700 downloads. Wow. And that's really good. We got to get some get out. Oh, this wait a minute though. This is going to be Post Malone. Right.

Stacey Upton: 54:42

I have no idea.

Brian Upton: 54:46

I could be wrong, but I guess so. on Spotify game that means this might be I'm gonna guess me. We got

Stacey Upton: 54:56

Ainsley no idea.

Brian Upton: 55:00

It is Post Malone it's me and somebody else it Ainsley. I bet it's been Ainsley. We both want yeah.

Stacey Upton: 55:12

That was fun and he's

Brian Upton: 55:13

intense. Shut up, do the laundry. And wait, am I dumped or not dumped?

Stacey Upton: 55:22

You're not done

Brian Upton: 55:24

because you can find the weight speed dating