Broken Tiles
Life is complicated and messy...Brian & Stacey Upton play question games each episode that spark intimate and personal revelations about their marriage, personal hopes and fears, raising kids and the challenge of planning the next chapter. Follow us on Instagram! www.instagram.com@thebrokentilespodcast
Broken Tiles
Honesty, Lies, Dance Moves, and Lessons in Chemistry
Ever felt ensnared in a relationship dispute and wished you had the perfect resolution strategy at your fingertips? Or found yourself struggling to comfort a loved one in their darkest hour? We're back on the airwaves after a hiatus, and ready to share our explorations into these complex topics, offering you insights and practical advice to navigate these tricky terrains. Join Brian and Stacey as we relive cherished childhood memories, share updates on Stacey's health journey with Mal de Debarquement syndrome, and even delve into a riveting review of the feminist-themed TV show "Lessons in Chemistry."
Have you ever grappled with the subtle yet profound difference between feeling safe and secure? We did too. Our discussion uncovers how these emotions intertwine with our ability to be honest with ourselves and others. We examine how childhood experiences shape our sense of safety and influence our relationships. But it's not all heavy topics - we also lighten the mood with a fun game using our new box of conversation starters and a scratch-off date DIY salsa lesson for couples!
So whether you're looking for insights into effective conflict resolution, seeking advice on comforting a loved one, or just want a laugh, this episode of the Broken Tiles podcast has something for you. Tune in for a rich array of topics, thoughtful discussions, and some fun.
This is the Broken Tiles podcast.
Speaker 2:With Brian and Stacy. We're back.
Speaker 1:Uplifting, I pivoted.
Speaker 2:I like it.
Speaker 1:I figure we come back with little Charlie Cunningham, little hope in the world, little balance stays. Is that a good segue?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's needed.
Speaker 1:How long has it been since we've podcasted?
Speaker 2:Around nine months, no Well.
Speaker 1:We dropped one in the middle.
Speaker 2:That's right, but I don't remember when that was.
Speaker 1:I think it's been well. Why do we talk like we don't have the resources to find out?
Speaker 2:We can find out.
Speaker 1:It's been um.
Speaker 2:It's been too long, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:What's April 19th divided by what we are today?
Speaker 2:Seven and a half months.
Speaker 1:Seven and a half months since the last Broken Tiles podcast.
Speaker 2:That's a long time.
Speaker 1:I guess the first. Let's get it out of the way. How are you feeling?
Speaker 2:I am feeling better.
Speaker 1:As compared to April of 2023.
Speaker 2:I'm feeling a lot better since then.
Speaker 1:April Ketchup, malday Debartement, which we did not say, I think, in the last podcast, or did we have the pronunciation at that point? We might have.
Speaker 2:We probably didn't. I don't know. It's hard to say.
Speaker 1:Is that the right pronunciation?
Speaker 2:It is If you speak French.
Speaker 1:Tell Venezuela about the last seven months a little bit, because I don't know. We have more than enough family friends that aren't completely connected with some of the day-to-day. I think it's fair, before we get into the questions and have a little fun, just a small update on the progression of your Malday Debartement and the journey a little bit over the last seven months.
Speaker 2:I wasn't prepared to share about it, so I have to think about what I want to say. I finally got to a specialist and got some really good help Between medication and vestibular rehabilitation therapy lots of that and time and COVID thrown in there.
Speaker 1:We had COVID for the second time or third time. Second time Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I started feeling better About a week after having had COVID. I realized, oh, my dizziness has reduced dramatically, which was really a big surprise. It still flares up. It's not gone completely.
Speaker 1:Getting to the right person, getting the right balance of treatment, the right medication, all those things sort of paid off in the last you know. But I guess now it's stretching. I keep on saying, but it's now been like almost six weeks of a what I sort of consider a dramatic kind of turnaround from what it had been for since February. That's fair to say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm definitely on the right path.
Speaker 1:So before we get into the game, you know, I think I probably need to play with soundboard a little bit and find out what our sound is to go into the game. I think it's that's not. It is it.
Speaker 2:No, that was it.
Speaker 1:That's the one right there.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And conveniently it was button number one. So we're staying right with the same green, yellow, red right now New box, or we just kind of grinding through the old-.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is a new box of let's get closer by intelligent change, and this is the original we were playing from the couples box and now this is the original box.
Speaker 1:So this is going to be boring as F for the Venezuelan audience. That has been like in the desert, waiting for us to podcast again, waiting for us to come back with the gripping edgy content that we left them with. And you're going to hold on Boring. What do we got, babe?
Speaker 2:Are you ready? What is your most cherished childhood memory?
Speaker 1:Here we go, Right out of the gate, and it's got to be. Do we want to play this specifically like the A memory a timeframe. Probably a little bit more fun to pick a cherished childhood memory right, Mm-hmm, A single one.
Speaker 2:A single memory. That is hard.
Speaker 1:That is hard when we put ourselves in a little bit of that pressure to get it to a single. I can, I guess if you're sitting there playing the remember that movie Inside Out.
Speaker 2:I love that movie.
Speaker 1:Inside Out's a great movie, animated movie from probably 10 years ago now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the second one's coming out, yeah.
Speaker 1:The general concept of it is it's sort of, if I remember right, it's a preteen or a teen that's going through childhood.
Speaker 2:Childhood is they're not.
Speaker 1:Oh, is that what it was?
Speaker 2:Oh no, it is like preteen.
Speaker 1:Or maybe it was just more the concept of them moving to San Francisco or whatever it was, and, and you know, I thought she was a little angsty, I just can't remember. But the general concept is that you have a certain amount of memories and there's only a particular amount of space, and eventually, to make space for new memories, new experiences, you do have to kind of like forget certain things, or you do forget certain things.
Speaker 1:It's a great emotional movie, but in this context, I'm going to answer this question as if we're in that movie Inside Out. Okay, and this would be one that you would not let go into the trash A core memory, a core memory that you wouldn't let go of, from your childhood and I'm going to take Disneyland.
Speaker 2:Oh which time.
Speaker 1:Well, there's 29 events. That's why I really went for the. I went for the answer that multiplied it times, my answer, times which only you would know, 29 times in my childhood, but I think in a, in a stream line, it would be one long term existing deep childhood memory. And so what do you got?
Speaker 2:Well, I kind of took the same route. This is something that I had done many, many, many many times, although I can't say there's a specific, one time only instance from it, but it would be hanging out at Teddy Bear squeeze, which is a rock formation that was behind my house, on the mountain behind my house.
Speaker 1:So we've had this question before then, because we have an episode called Teddy Bear Squeeze.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right Finding. Teddy Bear Squeeze so but it might have been a different question. That's my cherished memory, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, we won't take that.
Speaker 2:It's obviously.
Speaker 1:It's been so long now and that possibly that could have been feel like finding Teddy Bear squeeze was either. It wasn't the first five episodes and you're right, the way this game goes. It could have been a completely different way we got there. But as we expand out a little bit on that question and this one's so vanilla, so green, this is such a green question it's. It's a little a probably good way to come back into podcasting right now, as that is as vanilla and simple.
Speaker 2:It's dipping your toe into the pool. Yeah, like, like at the, the ultimate level.
Speaker 1:But what would be? Was there any value from your standpoint, from a of of categorizing memories like that or or qualifying memories that way? Is there any value to that in your mind, for?
Speaker 2:Well, of course, I mean the fact that we know each other pretty well. We probably might have been, we might have even been able to guess what the other person could have said, but it's just an opportunity, uh-oh, excuse me.
Speaker 1:You're in trouble. I can take the air while you take a sip of your lemonloft tea by Bigelow sponsor and get it together. But I think what you were getting at is well, I was going to say I wouldn't have guessed that and I doubt you would. Maybe this is the the essence of it is, I wouldn't have guessed specifically Teddy Bear squeeze, and I don't think you probably would have guessed Disneyland, that's true.
Speaker 2:I would have chosen your crazy, crazy adventures from Colson street, probably, yeah.
Speaker 1:That would be. That was kind of in the context of the, the five leading up to it, um, and then for yours I would have, if I would have guessed it it would have been more in the, you know, the forests of Evergreen or the mountains, something in there, um, whether there've been, I guess Teddy Bear squeeze does count in that Totally. I don't think I was thinking Teddy Bear squeeze as much as just thinking of like, um, you know, and maybe that does the answer All that you did, you're just a kind of a mountain girl when it's when it's all said and done.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just love to be in nature. Yeah, I was sort of battling between that and I think I've shared this with you, if not on the podcast. Uh, when I was Way too old to be doing this 12, 13, maybe over the summer I decided to build a teepee right on the side of our house and Essentially pretend I was an Indian for a couple of weeks.
Speaker 1:And pretty legit.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, it was very um. I Looking back, it was that moment in your life where you're like you know you're leaving childhood and you don't want to.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I did not want to. I knew I was too old to be Dressing up and playing pretend, but I did not want to let it go.
Speaker 1:And do you think you do you think you had that perspective looking back or you kind of knew that, that you didn't want to grow up when you were in that little crux?
Speaker 2:I think I kind of knew. I remember feeling very angry at the time.
Speaker 1:The it's because it's I think it would be if you put a pole to it. It feels like it'd be opposite of. People can't wait to grow up, they can't wait to get out of the spot they're in, and maybe you leave your whole life that way to a certain extent, and the lesson that is, that we're not ever really content where we're at the next is going to make it all better, and that that might have a lot to do with childhood also.
Speaker 2:Yeah, possibly yeah so, but it was still. I was existing and enjoying that time outside in the mountains, you know, pulling huge branches from from pine trees to make my teepee. That's just where I find peace.
Speaker 1:I like it, and so, because that was so boring and and there's probably all of Venezuela's with us, no doubt, but our edgy engage, engaged audiences is dumped outside, I think we need to blitz right into a second question.
Speaker 2:And if it's, it's not the couples version of the game, so Go ahead. What difference would it make in your life if you felt completely safe, accepted and loved?
Speaker 1:Hmm, that's the supposition of the question. I don't even know if I use that word, right that you did. I'm impressed is that I'm not safe and I'm not accepted and I'm not loved, because it's not always, but yeah, I mean you don't know my life.
Speaker 2:Well, you are correct, I don't know your life.
Speaker 1:I'm deeply accepted. You feel you are deeply well, with the other things, I already forgot the question.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's so you. What difference would it make in your life if you felt completely safe?
Speaker 1:Hold on, I'm completely safe, accepted, totally accepted and loved. Yeah, next question by everybody. Hold on you.
Speaker 2:You never have moments of uncertainty me. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm having one right now. No, I'm joking around the. I think that's sort of the. It was doing the other podcast, actually just even earlier, the, the, the other one that I do with the guy named Mike Howard, and one of the conversations that came up is the, the again the word we've used in this podcast before, which is affirmation, and that that it possibly is like with Not the, not the love language kind of affirmation. I'm talking about an affirmation I made, the made the. The statement that we, in a lot of ways, are continually looking for affirmations of our existence is what I said Affirmations that we're even here and that we're in this thing. And you, you're looking for small little, small little, you know, olive branches or communications or a look or a word like we matter.
Speaker 2:Is that what, yeah?
Speaker 1:and I think that's the. The heart of this question is like, whether we say it out loud or not, that is sort of the momentum of our life, whatever priority you give it, you or don't give it those three things, which I've already forgot again, but I know the deep meaning of it it's, it's love and it's.
Speaker 2:Safety, safe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's the, it's our existence, and safety goes into Instinctual surviving. Safe, safe, you know, we, we, we Don't do a lot of hunting and gathering right now, so safety in our mind isn't, you know, somebody coming into our camp at night. You know and and Tooth Tiger right per se, but it's, it's a, it's a core human emotion.
Speaker 2:It is a foundation of need right in the Maslow's hierarchy that is at the bottom.
Speaker 1:You are feeling better.
Speaker 2:I am.
Speaker 1:Guarantee an April podcast see if.
Speaker 2:I was not throwing that kind of terminology.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if used a two-syllable word.
Speaker 2:I'd have to look back on it, but it was a. It was right. It is nice to see you connected.
Speaker 1:So I guess what it would feel like is I think it would feel like you made it to the top of the hill in your little lotus position under the tree and you've kind of the if you. You know, I Guess that's what it would feel like to not Need that. If you really want to zen out on that, like I think that whole, it would be that you fork feeling of going through that mattering to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I would ask you to expand a little bit more. And that was your teacup and Talk about so. You kind of shared how you would feel in a way. But like, what difference would it make in your life, is the question. What might be different?
Speaker 1:Maybe I'd be If you had that balance we're talking about. We're having, let's say, you have this ultimate sense of self and belonging. I Feel like the end result is I'd probably be more creative and I'm talking about something. I it's a it's stupid yellow question. It's pretty good you know that Talking about something I've never really Thought through this way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's what I like about these questions is, I Don't know. You can approach things From a different place to the answer.
Speaker 1:the studs kind of thing is like is to reverse that thing instead of answering the question Is maybe you rephrase it to yourself? Is an answer one by one? Do I feel safe?
Speaker 2:always.
Speaker 1:Always, that's it.
Speaker 2:No, I'm asking you, I'm. I threw in the always. Do you always feel safe? I do.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't know, that's that you said different things. Yeah, but that's. That's a ridiculous answer. The majority of the time I feel safe in my my my self or my overall perception, my physical self.
Speaker 2:I generally feel. What about psychological and emotional?
Speaker 1:Generally majority safe, safe, I mean that's. It gets weird Because if you change a couple letters there, you know and say, do you feel secure To that same question? Not as much, it's not the same dominant.
Speaker 2:See, I think that's so interesting because I think there Maybe one in the same. So tell me, why not secure? Why safe but not always secure?
Speaker 1:seven months Since I've said this. How dare you push me further here? I Don't. I guess I don't see safe and Safe to me. Maybe I'm. Maybe I'm giving more credence to, I put more credence into Confidence and in my sort of my ability to control safety. This is really good question. But security is a whole different thing.
Speaker 2:So what does security mean to you?
Speaker 1:Security for me means that it's more am I grounded in that position? Does that make sense, like I feel I guess I'm using a little term of that word, but when I hear that word security it's like am I grounded in that position? Is it a defensible position, is it? And so my security would feel different than safety because I think I feel more secure, or I'd feel less secure, maybe to, and maybe the answer to this is what we're getting at here is maybe I feel safer in the context of who I might be dealing with in a conversation about safety, because it feels like it's out there. Security's in my own head.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's really interesting.
Speaker 1:It's deep as shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, man, let's just end it A yellow card.
Speaker 1:What's our play out card? It's 19 minutes. That seems good.
Speaker 2:It's not bad.
Speaker 1:That's a pretty good podcast. So far, you haven't even answered.
Speaker 2:I haven't Because I was Think about it a bit.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's a hold on, that's a mic drop. I dropped it three times.
Speaker 2:Yeah, why?
Speaker 1:Because, I mean, what I said was just-.
Speaker 2:It was that profound it needed three mic drops.
Speaker 1:I mean you said that I didn't, I'm just trying to reiterate you, but I appreciate it. I appreciate that middle part.
Speaker 2:If I felt completely safe, accepted and loved, I think I what difference would it make? I think I could. I don't. I think I don't always say what I'm thinking. I pause and reconfigure based on who I'm talking to. I think I could be more honest, and that might even be honest with myself, which is interesting, you know. I think it's well even like thinking about the last many, many months, how hard it's been. I've really tried to just kind of keep moving forward.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It has been a very small handful of times I've let it get to me.
Speaker 1:Three.
Speaker 2:Yeah, is it three?
Speaker 1:Four.
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Meltdowns, meltdowns.
Speaker 2:Meltdowns. I mean, there's maybe two that I have in mind, but it could be more, because my memory's not great because of it all.
Speaker 1:There's four times I've not felt safe.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:In the last nine months.
Speaker 2:I wasn't thinking about that one time.
Speaker 1:It was secure, secure my position that you were losing your shit but I did not feel safe in the room. That is valid. That's why I can't say I'm 100% sure I'm safe.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:No, but that's a really good you're. You know the that's like, I think, a really good process you're going through there, so keep going.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't know that I have anything more to add to that. I think the honesty with myself and with people that I am in relationships with is probably. That is the difference. That's what would change, and it's weird to think I hadn't really thought about the fact that I'm not honest. I think I'm measured, I think I'm always reading a situation and that I would say probably goes all the way back to my childhood, where it wasn't necessarily safe in my household. So there's always this surveillance and trying to determine what's the best thing to do here.
Speaker 1:Do you want to expand on that, or is that just right where it lies?
Speaker 2:I'm just going to leave it there. I don't want to expand on it right now.
Speaker 1:It sounds juicy.
Speaker 2:It's juicy and we've I think we've kind of alluded to things here and there.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:In this podcast in the past.
Speaker 1:So we're at a little midpoint here and we're going to do a, which we haven't done in a long time, but we're going to do one. Let's see if I can get it here. We're going to do a review. It's on I'm going to screw this up. I'm almost positive. It's on Apple. I'm a killer TV.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:And, if I fuck that up, it's on Amazon Prime. Lessons in chemistry is a 2023 American period drama television ministry is developed by Lee Eisenberg based on the novel of the same name by Bonnie Garmus. It stars Brie Larson as a chemist, elizabeth Zott, who begins hosting her own feminist cooking show in the 1960s America. Its first two episodes premiered on Apple TV plus in October of 2023. And we really like this show and I'm going to let you talk on it a little bit here, because you watch the show, love the show and just finished the book.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I listened to it.
Speaker 1:That's reading it.
Speaker 2:I don't know that that's the case, but I consumed it. How about that? Wait, I listened. I didn't use my eyes and read it, because that's still really hard for me.
Speaker 1:I really got to apologize to a lot of people. That's not what I've been telling people. A lot of my friends think I'm reading a lot of books. Damn it.
Speaker 2:Well.
Speaker 1:Talk about a little bit. I mean, that was a good synopsis, but Okay.
Speaker 2:So the feminist string that is pulled throughout the entire story is strong and it's sound. It's not over the top. It really highlights the progress that women have experienced since I think the story actually really starts in the 50s and really before that, because we're talking about when some of the characters were born, because it goes back a little bit into their childhood.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So, thinking about the type of progress that women have had during that time still quite a ways to go, but it's really nice to have that view and see what has happened over that time. But this is. It's a great story about a woman who is fierce in her determination and her sense of right and wrong. It is black and white in her mind. There are no gray areas.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think it would be in my perspective. You would be able to tell me more from reading the book possibly. I almost thought there was an inference in the TV series and I could be way off with this that she was even slightly, maybe on a spectrum.
Speaker 2:That's not really addressed in the book, but I also thought the same In the TV show.
Speaker 1:Did you get that sense? Yeah, because in the movie.
Speaker 2:And even in the book. Even in the book I got that sense, but it was not addressed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was that sort of like that detached attention, massive attention to detail and sort of her. The way they did it in the show was like, I guess in the term I don't know if it's a politically correct word to say, but that sort of spinning that can go on in certain areas of the spectrum where it's highly evolved, super beyond even like what we're thinking about. But on point, without a lot of emotion, is what her character is yeah, that's very true.
Speaker 2:In fact, I listened to an interview of the author and I really was kind of waiting for her to say that that was her take on this character that she created and she never did.
Speaker 1:She didn't, she did not Interesting.
Speaker 2:She talked about her brilliance, her genius, her, you know this intellect that just left everybody else around her in the dust, but she did not infer that she was on the spectrum.
Speaker 1:Anything as far as, like you know, zero being. You know nothing to do with the book. 10 being an accurate representation of the book the Apple TV show. Now that you've read it, where would you put it in there? 10 being like it's like the from the pages and zero being they took their own spin.
Speaker 2:Some parts are from the pages I wouldn't say. Well, he asked. They did take their spin in certain ways, which I think was probably smart. There's diversity in the show that isn't necessarily reflected in the book and I think that was a really nice addition, especially the activism that happens in the show. And of course, the book, as always happens, is a far more expansive story than what we got in the show, but they're both very good.
Speaker 1:I like it. And so let's do our grades. And I think we have our little Dave Portnoy pizza kind of scale with our wings and all that stuff. We call our 10th of a point wings. Oh no, it's just the rating. And then if you want to give it wings, it's upgraded.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And I think we went. Did we go to 10? I think we did. We went to lower to 10.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know that we've ever scored anything a 10, but no, we haven't.
Speaker 1:We've been up there, though, so I'll let you grade first on lessons in chemistry on Apple TV, your score.
Speaker 2:I will say eight, six.
Speaker 1:I'm going nine one, I feel it's that over the top, just over the top of that to that level where I think I wouldn't want to leave any doubt that it was binge worthy and we were forced to watch it. A lot of shows have done that lately, which is sort of becoming retro now, where we're forced to wait seven days.
Speaker 2:How dare they? And you know what I will say is my score is probably reflecting the fact that the book was just better, so it's not necessarily a fair assessment on just the show alone. Because I loved the show so much, I wanted more of it, which is why I started listening to the book.
Speaker 1:All right, my turn for a question.
Speaker 2:Okay, debbie Downer.
Speaker 1:This is my bit this section there's so much respect when I do yours. Let me edit this right now. I'm gonna block that out and we're gonna write back. It's um, hey, babe, it's my turn for a question Ready roll it. My questions. How do I say this in a way that's my people in Venezuela will understand it. I don't fuck around with my questions. When it comes to resolving conflict, what skills do you wish to get better at as partners?
Speaker 2:Oh, oh yeah, I mean that is good, I know where did you get that?
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just getting tired of this game that you're playing you asked me to pull out these questions. I think you're stalling, because the thing about my question is you have to answer it first.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, ask it again.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if I want to ask this question anymore, because it's like you're really looks like you're revving up. This really looks like this was a not engaged 29 minutes and 42 seconds and as soon as I'm talking about this question, I feel like you the fact that you have an answer and Like a witness on the stand, you want to repeat the question because you feel like this is gonna convict me. When it comes to resolving conflict, what skills do you wish to get better at as partners?
Speaker 2:As partners. So this means Not just what I want to do better, but we Could do better.
Speaker 1:I think it's a free-for-all, I think. I think, though, I'm gonna. It's my question and it's a great question. It's probably the best question that's ever been asked on this podcast. Wow with those terms. I'm gonna tell you that I think it's. I guess I'm saying is have fun with it, like it can be a little bit of all of it, like what you'd like to see me better at, you better at, or what we need to do just a little.
Speaker 2:There's no, no boundary, bring it on, is what I'm saying well, I think we could certainly do better Addressing conflict in the moment, like when it happens once, when something is amiss To be able to have a conversation about, is it? This is hard because we often don't address it immediately.
Speaker 1:Because we're emotional, no, the emotional. And then?
Speaker 2:then you don't want to say the wrong thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the night I'll be. I'll be super honest about it. It's like there a lot of times. It's just I'm not ready to say it and there's no other thing other than am I, am I nervous about it? Am I? Am I? Am I not we? I'm jumping in on your answer right now, but we're in the couple part of the answer. It's like I think what happens is is like, and I'll give you the exact answer. Sometimes you'll walk in and say what's wrong and I'm like nothing and I'll just lie something about work thinking about this. The reality is is I've stumbled onto one thing that I can't process fast enough to give an answer. So most of my life I'm just processing. I've got an idea and I've got a plan and sometimes, if I catch it and what, I can even start doing this. I have no problem saying I can start doing this, which is I can probably just start barfing it out real time and see how that goes meaning your, your Processing, doing your processing allowed in that moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you always get. You always end up getting the result of what I was thinking about, and it's not all the time, it's just some of the time, like where I'm there. But I think what I'm doing is I'm just maybe not maybe I've got such a Reputation in my own head of being this ultimate problem-solver and processor. When I get caught in a quiet moment, I'm away from a scene, I'm away from the event and in you that whole thing, like what are you thinking right now? Because I think generally you like, I think I do it enough that you basically just it's what you're thinking. I think most of the time when I say, what are you thinking about? Like on a drive from the airport.
Speaker 1:Right and you're looking out the window. I'm like what are you thinking about? It's what people people do to each other. Yeah, I guess that's. The answer is like how many times? How much of those times are you truthful to me?
Speaker 2:That's a good question. Think about how I answered a previous question with a lie. Yeah, like I don't always say what I'm thinking, because I'm Trying to figure out how to say it, or trying to figure out what should be said in that moment and what's not appropriate to be so what?
Speaker 1:what percentage? Is mine is, mine is 100%. I'm truthful all the time. So you're go ahead, you go I. Don't know, I'd have to think about that I am 100% truthful all the time I just can't believe that. I think on that.
Speaker 1:To put myself on joking the I'd say Honestly, we're together all the time, 33 years, 90% of the time yeah, I think 90% time to 10% is just like and now I'd be on the gun of like of of when and what and what I'm processing and you know it probably a lot of times mostly has to do with it. It seems like always has to do with money.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, that's a. That's a tricky Conflict area for us.
Speaker 1:Well, it's, it's, or, I think, with the statistics show divorce statistics and all these things show it's, it's in and coffee with my friends talking with our kids, or at work, or or a property man it's, it's the thing. It's the thing in the world. I mean even doing articles for the magazine. Yeah the thing housing all of it, it's it's just preeminent clout over of Shit and it's and so, yeah, it catches you Lying about it.
Speaker 2:Hmm.
Speaker 1:We use that word it's not. It's not something huge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I know what you're saying it, but it kind of makes me go back to the question I asked earlier about If you felt completely safe, accepted and loved. Do you need to lie about the money situations either? Anybody, I guess.
Speaker 1:No yeah.
Speaker 2:I think that's what I'm saying is we, we is is however confident we are.
Speaker 1:Nobody is a hundred percent of the time feeling that way, and that is why we make decisions that you know or that could be better, and say things that maybe we shouldn't say, or don't say things that we should Say it is weird that after 33 years plus 33 years coming up in June, I guess, but 33 years together now, plus whatever it is that there's I guess the question is how much time do you need to spend with somebody when you don't lie to them anymore?
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Because this is a long time.
Speaker 2:It is a long time and it's. It's not like I Wouldn't say the lies are destructive lies. There's a difference.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm saying but it's still, it's still this, it's this weird question to answer and it is a lie and it's not.
Speaker 2:I would never have. Classified Anything that goes on between us as lying no, in it for this conversation, but it I mean, if you Want to be really succinct about it, that is what it is right, and so you're still.
Speaker 1:That was. That's the couples part of the answer. So, bottom lines, let's stop lying to each other. Let's get that. Let's get that started, okay 33 years later yeah, just like and I think I'm lying right now because I think I'll probably lie to you again, as I was just having a thought. I said this probably not the last time when you asked me what's on my mind, so I just lied, oh.
Speaker 1:Yeah about never lying again. But I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try really hard. I think it's actually kind of a fun game. It's a very exposed game to try to play and always say what's actually on your mind.
Speaker 2:Well, I have to say, when I answered that question earlier and I said I don't always say what I'm thinking about, I was. I was really thinking more in the context of work and Friends, all of it. I wasn't thinking about you and I yeah, and we had this conversation before.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it might be just that go ahead.
Speaker 2:I was just gonna. Sometimes I'm in a work meeting with our entire team and you don't want to know what's going through my head.
Speaker 1:No, right, right, there's that part of it, so some of it, it just it could open up some. But what do I'm thinking about it? Because it's, you know, we've talked about that on this podcast as far as the ebbs and flows of like, attraction and a relationship and like when you kind of like are or not attracted to somebody, and that might be sometimes over. Like you know, this is getting very kind of raw. But there might be a period of time over a period of time like I might be sitting there going like why aren't you making a move on me, right, the whole night? Let you know, like and and we say, what do you think? And I'm be like just Going to Megan's tomorrow.
Speaker 1:See like a really stupid thing to say. If your agenda is that the last thing you want to say is something because it feels like it would put me farther away from that. You know that, that that you know concept, but the reality of life proves probably not true. Probably would be good to say what you're thinking.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, I think so she found a toy.
Speaker 1:I hid every toy in the house from this dog and she found one. She found one without a squeak, so smart I think she must have gone under the. I hit a pile on that thing our dogs interrupting the podcast. Um, so did we milk everything out there, or did we just get started on it? That was pretty good.
Speaker 2:It was really good. It led to a great conversation.
Speaker 1:And that's what this is all about. So there's a segue here. We got to just kind of work our way through here a little bit. I'm gonna play a flute for you.
Speaker 2:Not just any flute song, did you?
Speaker 1:already pick it up. Yeah, that's one of your records, man. She like like right now, just close your eyes. You're in the redwood forest and You're sitting there and there's dew on the trees. The sun is gently coming through and this tiny little woodland elf comes out with a flute and you're like what fuck is that little thing playing? And you're like it's that little woodland creature which I didn't even think existed in the world playing. Take on me by a ha of all the songs in the history of songs. And. And then a tear falls from your eye.
Speaker 2:I Would consider that little woodland elf with the flute mm-hmm to be Brian's personal outdoor angel.
Speaker 1:No, that is. I think that's racist.
Speaker 2:It's not.
Speaker 1:I was taking a shot. All right, let's go to the. I think we're getting all of it in. I think we did. Aha, I think we've been going too long to have any kind of a sponsorship right now. I'll gear that up next time, because that's really I don't think you can take seven months off and think that we're chock-full of sponsors, but, um, let's go to the. Let's go to the red question.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna start by saying I think this is an important question whoa for all relationships oh all.
Speaker 1:Really it's not ours, because ours already ours, we can't take much more tonight.
Speaker 2:This is good. Are you ready? When you are sad or upset about something, how do you like to be comforted? Hmm?
Speaker 1:Are you already geared up? What can I have a little time? Do you have an idea?
Speaker 2:I Well, I have to start by saying what I don't like. Hmm is being comforted. Immediate problem solving.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right, director, right at me.
Speaker 2:But I know it's done with good intention. But it's not just you. I have friends and Family members that all I think it's human nature when someone we care about is upset. We want that to change. So we. I do it too, and I try to be mindful of not doing it, but sometimes I just immediately go to that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I would say that there's an internal part of being sad in the minute you. It's very difficult. And then this is a good question, because it's very difficult when you Open up a conversation about your sadness. So what you're saying is, when you open up the conversation about sadness, you Are because we've been on the other ends of some of these conversations where you're told I don't want you to talk, I'm gonna say some stuff right now. That sucks. It sucks to be on that end of it. But then also, when you open up a conversation and You're, unless it's stated, you don't want anybody because a lot of people would consider problem-solving comfort.
Speaker 2:Yes, but it's not actually because we need to be able to express that sadness or you know what, at whatever the emotion is, there's something called the Trying to it's. It was a long time ago I read about this. It's called the stress cycle.
Speaker 1:Do you have?
Speaker 2:it by Amelia and Emily Nagoski.
Speaker 1:It's a book.
Speaker 2:Um, well, I read about it. Yeah, it's, it's a book called burnout the secret unlocking the stress cycle. But what I'm trying to get at is the Importance of being allowed to feel upset. Is it's really important to let yourself Completely run through the stress cycle? So having it be interrupted by somebody who's trying to problem solve for you Actually halts that process of going through the entire cycle. Sometimes we might need to cry or scream or just talk it out and let ourselves run through the course of it, naturally ourselves, even if it's not necessarily resolved at the end of it. That Allows our stress system, our stress cycle, to complete, and if we don't complete it, we hold on to that stress.
Speaker 1:That's a lot to ask me something else. Just sit there and and and I get. I guess I get it in the Confront of like, recently we had somebody you know. Let's say there's a moment there, there's there's some natural moments where you know somebody comes in and they're wearing it. Let's say there, they had somebody that they cared about that just died, and you just basically give them a hug and you kind of are like you're just there for them.
Speaker 1:You're there for them. That's one part of it, but when that other person, I'd have to almost get through some, some scenarios of when other person starts talking about their sadness, it seems, it seems, oh. I think I know where you're going odd to to say I would have to hear it out loud to know that that doesn't feel even more Isolating for that person if they're talking and other persons just like.
Speaker 2:Well, it's more along the lines of saying I hear you? Oh yeah, but what if you don't hear them?
Speaker 1:It sounds so hard, but what if you it does? It is very hard, but what if you?
Speaker 2:No, I mean, that's what you say to them. That sounds really hard. I can see why you're so upset.
Speaker 1:So let's say, in a certain scenario, maybe lie to them if you don't see what I'm saying is like. Let's say you have a different perspective than somebody on a subject. Sure, Not all the time. I'm just talking about these certain circumstances where you you maybe you're not sure Maybe it is the time for some white lies, is what you're saying?
Speaker 2:Well, I guess you can look at it that way. I didn't look at it in that way, but it's really about them, not what you think about their situation. It's you being there for him.
Speaker 1:But they're talking to you For them. Doesn't that open up?
Speaker 2:Well, that's what people do when they trust each other. And so if you and your mind are like, oh my God, this is ridiculous, and trying to interrupt their stream of consciousness, talking through this by problem solving you're it's almost disrespectful in a way, Right, Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:It does, it does, it completely does, and I think it's kind of sensing the room, but it also is it's also very it's also it's understandable that that's the exact scenario that you would want is to be able to emote and people recognize your emotions and basically groove with you.
Speaker 2:You know what I just thought about. I'm sorry I interrupted you, but I think that's where there are appropriate relationships to share. And some relationships where maybe you're not close enough to to share that deeply, and maybe for the person who's being shared with or hearing this, that's where it feels kind of like whoa, that's a lot, because it's like I'm not, I don't think of you in in the way that I can carry what you're, what you're handing off to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, carry, or or it's that that also be the, maybe that's the, the deck of cards you've got, as far as you know, understanding your sadness and knowing you know how to present it or how to it's. It's an interesting question, I think. I think you're right in a way. I think for me it's like a lot of times we're almost talking about well, no, we are talking about sadness, you know sadness.
Speaker 2:Well, this says sad or upset. I mean, the question was how do you like to be comforted? And I kind of started with how I don't like to be comforted, and that's how we got here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and do you have a lot of people the the problem solving? I kind of I put in a category more of like business or or angst or that kind of a thing where, where you know, like this happened to me, and then you know and I'm pissed and it's like, well, have you thought of it? But the sadness one seems to be more instinctual, an instinctual kind of relationship with somebody Like you you can be like I'm probably better at sadness as far as my demeanor with somebody than I would be at a problem. Like somebody presents me with a problem, I'm immediately saying like well, fuck, have you thought of that? Have you ever done? I'm on the game Like we're we're problem solving.
Speaker 1:This is different, because I'm trying to think of when I've been presented with sadness. Um, uh, no, I do problem solve it. I probably tried to problem solve my mom's sadness. You know, you try to, you, do? You do try to like, do like. I'm thinking like this stupid fucking sugar packets and you know, in the cheesecake factory and stuff like that is problem solving. Where? What the theory is? You just listen. But then, um, where are you getting?
Speaker 2:So what I was going to say is you know, in that moment, if someone's expressing their upset or sad, that's when you just listen at a later time you can say hey, I was thinking about what you were sharing with me and I had some thoughts. So it's at a different time.
Speaker 1:But I want to impress them that I know right then.
Speaker 2:So it's about you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, jesus, I see, you know that, I see Okay, so I get it. Let's hear about you.
Speaker 2:How do you, when you're sad or upset, how do you like to be comforted?
Speaker 1:I think, and now, this one I don't even present to other people because I handle it this way, I just I don't present it, I'm left alone.
Speaker 2:Eventually, I do like, even on this you do pull yourself away.
Speaker 1:I do, but, but eventually I have no problem talking about it, like I'll talk about my dad's death, my grandpa's death. I don't not, gavin, I don't not talk about it, but I already know the answer to the question. It's a little boring, is that? Um, I want to. I not only do I want to be left alone, I don't even operate.
Speaker 1:This is maybe one conflicted with the question, because I don't present myself To somebody and say, no, I'm just going to dump shit, but shut the fuck up, I don't. I don't do that, like on some level, because I figure, like, once I start talking, I'm like you know, like I wasn't even sad with my dad, I want to hear something from you. I do I. When I say it like, like, or my grandpa, I'm like, I'm presenting it and I'm like I want to engage on this weird thought I had. You know about the way I felt about my my you know, my dad's death, or putting the dog down, that kind of thing. But I didn't, I didn't. I do. I do get away at first, because, again, I just want to figure my shit out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, you know, I think you have a that. That's how you process. You process in your head alone.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Um, not everybody does that, and a lot of people, especially if it's something that's super overwhelming, they need. There's actually research that shows that we can uh, when we say things out loud, we hear what we say, and that helps us to figure things out. It helps us to process things. Sometimes you say what's going on in your head and then you're like, oh my God, did I just say that? That's a ridiculous thought.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You know that that kind of thing is super important and I really feel like if somebody is sharing something really personal about what they're sad or upset about, they're actually saying I trust you and I need help right now, and that's. That's a pretty special thing actually.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:But it does feel weird if it, if it, from your perspective, feels like an inappropriate relationship or you don't have that kind of a relationship.
Speaker 1:Or yeah, I guess and I've got to rethink this because I figured if we're talking we're just talking and so I've got to understand that a little bit more. But the bottom line, to put a bow on that, we agree, my position is correct.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 1:We didn't.
Speaker 2:I never really said what I, what I like, how I like to be comforted. I just said what I don't like.
Speaker 1:That's part of my whole thing right now is I'm right and this podcast is over.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:That's it Okay, bye. Good Finish that.
Speaker 2:Um well, I like it when you hug me.
Speaker 1:Oh, we're down to me and you.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, how do I like to be comforted. I like. I like it when somebody responds in a way that lets me know they've heard me and and that they're not judging me.
Speaker 1:It's very hard for me. I can, I can break out a good hug every once in a while. But I think, um, you're getting at the fact that I think and I recognize this sometimes is I don't, I don't probably observe enough, um, when that, uh, the hug vibes are coming um strong, that meaning you're not saying hug me, but you're, but you would I, I think you know that I can recognize sometimes like this is for you a hug would go a long way right now.
Speaker 2:Like, like when I really need it, I just reach out and hug you. I don't wait for you to read my mind.
Speaker 1:That's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I need to recognize more when you need a hug.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying anything, that you're doing anything wrong. I am.
Speaker 1:I'm saying my other. There's a second part to this. You need to recognize more when I want nooky.
Speaker 2:Oh yes, so I'll, I'll be on the hunt for hugs.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, and then um for tat, literally literally, we're going to play our game a little bit. Let me see if I can. I got to get. Not, this isn't the game.
Speaker 2:Remember where which game are we doing?
Speaker 1:the Spotify blend game. Okay.
Speaker 2:You have. You have a book out, so I didn't know if that's what you want.
Speaker 1:This is called this is called production value. Gotcha Little music in the back. It's a good song and I'm going to great song. I can't even that's when you interrupt me. I'm going to play that from now on, but I'm in a perfectly good segment and I'm playing deathcap for cutie.
Speaker 2:Yes, you are.
Speaker 1:And it's I'll follow you into the dark. I'm scratching off a romantic day.
Speaker 2:So I'm supposed to do assault me I was not assaulting you. I'm confused. Am I supposed to guess who's song this is?
Speaker 1:No, I think if we rewound it, I said this isn't the guess and this is again a nice. This was such a romantic, beautifully planned out segment that now feels like I was going to try to scratch this really fast and see what our date is. That says let's mix it up. It's one part appetizer, one part dance party. Search for salsa lessons on YouTube, stream it to your TV and then grab your partner. I like that, yeah, because we've taken a couple of dance classes, but the kind of the thought more spontaneously of doing a DIY, you know, do it yourself kind of salsa lesson right here.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Because we've got the fundamentals of some concepts we do Not of you know, but we would be able to pull that off. Yeah, all right, so we'll report back on that one.
Speaker 2:We will.
Speaker 1:Now, this is a high level of difficulty.
Speaker 2:We'll have to do it very slow, yeah, because dancing is not easy for me right now.
Speaker 1:No, okay, I'm going to do it. And give me a number.
Speaker 2:I like the number 12.
Speaker 1:Okay, I can do that, let me just get it on the button here. Hmm, anything.
Speaker 2:It's got to be Ainsley's from a show. Definitely sounds like it's from a show.
Speaker 1:There's a soundtrack, yeah.
Speaker 2:And because there's so many different, it's hilarious. Classical instruments. Yeah, oh yeah, it's from Matilda. Matilda, this is brand new. You can see it in right now. Which?
Speaker 1:she's in in Colorado, which opened last Friday, and so we're going to be. We're going to be Ainsley, and this will make her very happy, but that's, that means they're still using the Spotify family plan.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's it. Oh, that's great.
Speaker 1:It's on there. So, um, if you're in Denver and we got a few people, yeah, and then we're going to be in the town theater. Matilda runs all the way through, I think, the 30th or 31st of December, december. Um, she's been saying it's a phenomenal cast. Kids are incredibly talented. She's one of the big kids in Matilda. Yeah, and the understudy yeah, miss Honey, we did it, babe.
Speaker 2:We did it.
Speaker 1:As always, no matter how we find the path, we end up at 55 minutes.
Speaker 2:That's bizarre. Love you Love you, love you.
